It's not actually Wednesday...

Awkward:
- Husbandman and I showed up at Village Inn all gung-ho to make the most of Free Pie Wednesday. I chose Tripleberry, he chose French Silk. Our cashier handed us our bill. "$6.35," she said. He and I shared a puzzled expression and handed her our debit card in confused silence. "Come again soon! On Wednesdays we have free pie!" she said as we walked away slowly. Right. Wasn't that why we were here? It was only after we had left the restaurant that we realized it was actually Thursday. Oh.
- Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
- A few weeks ago I got a fortune cookie with a fortune that read, "Help! I'm trapped inside a fortune cookie factory." I am now seriously worried for this person.
- I managed to poke myself in the eye with my toothbrush while brushing my teeth.
- Once I was mad at my mother-in-law for a whole day because I had a dream that we were river rafting and she wouldn't stop shouting the lyrics to "Livin on a Prayer" at the top of her lungs.

Awesome:
- Dear Mario, we swear if you jump on another turtle, we will find you. Sincerely, TMNT
- I'm spending the next week or so figuring out how many goodies I can fill with or cover with Nutella. It's that good, people.
- A few days ago, I was working a wedding with a flower girl who was about three. During the rehearsal, she was the epitome of cuteness. She listened, smiled and walked when she was supposed to walk. During the actual ceremony, she stomped down the aisle screaming, "RAWR!" and launched her basket of petals at guests. I found this even cuter. This will count for this week's Weird Wedding Wednesday.
- I was at the dollar store the other day and I found out that there is such a thing as scented socks. There are also multiple flavors.
- For a friend's wedding, another friend and I were buying her a toaster. I was in charge of the card. In the card, I wrote a poem about how toasters are like dragons.
- My mother-in-law is deathly afraid of snakes. I think she has every reason to be. They're in cahoots with Voldemort.
- A little happiness for your week:

I died.

The post that wasn't

So today is supposed to be Weird Wedding Wednesday. I'm going to spare you, however. I just got back from a three-hour finals review session and my brain is beginning to melt out of my ears. I feel like today's wedding story would end up being either completely incoherent or possibly so boring that you would wish the internet was never even invented.

Instead, I'm going to share with you a super cute picture of Bandit enjoying the random snowfall from the other day. I can assure you that he was the only one who did.

It's tough to be a bridesmaid

Normally weddings are "don't ask, don't tell" types of events when it comes to the single guests. Weddings can be difficult when you're single. However, typically it's important to be discreet about it when hooking up with a groomsmen while the rest of the guests eat cake.

During a recent wedding, a couple of bridesmaids disappeared with a couple of groomsmen. Oh man. It was going to be one of those nights. They had been celebrating quite vigorously for several hours and had perhaps celebrated a little too much by this point. What's a wedding coordinator to do? Usually I just help them fix their hair and make sure their shoes are on the right feet.

However, these ladies came down the stairs wearing the wrong dresses. In their drunken stupor, they had somehow mixed them up. Oh man. I did my best to try to maintain their dignity by pulling them into the office to change. I went to get them something to eat and when I came back, one of them was passed out on the floor wearing nothing but a Texas state flag.

It's tough to be a bridesmaid.

Here's me with my lovely bridesmaids. They are so amazing. I couldn't have asked for more wonderful ladies to be by my side on my big day. Luckily, no dress switching took place during my wedding. :)

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

It's been a while since I did a Weird Wedding Wednesday post. I've just been having way too much fun involving myself in public embarrassment I guess. :)

This week I'm going to tell you about one of my very first weddings. It nearly scared me out of the business altogether. It was a goth wedding. The cake was a black castle with a dragon flying overhead. When you cut into it, it oozed raspberry filling (to look like blood). They also served Hawaiian Punch to look like blood. The bride's dress was gorgeous, albeit very untraditional. It was black with an 18-layer tulle skirt that faded from black into blood-red at the bottom. It almost looked like she had been walking around a bloody massacre scene and the bottom six inches of her dress got soaked. Which was, most likely, the effect she was hoping for. She carried a bouquet of dead roses.

This couple was bizarre with a capital B. The bachelorette party involved a seance. The bridesmaids' makeup included streaked mascara as if they had been sobbing uncontrollably and hadn't slept in days. The groom's fingernails were at least 5 inches long and stained black. He also had ceramic vampire fangs. Figures.

Instead of the traditional ring exchange, the couple opted to instead pierce one another's chins. During the ceremony. In our beautiful chapel. Yeah. Having never before witnessed such a thing done, I nearly died. The reception lasted 6 hours and at some point turned from a creepy yet somewhat calm gathering to a raging orgy. The groom was off in the corner with three vampire women (all biting each other periodically) and the bride disappeared with some guy in a cloak and didn't return for hours.

As for me, I hid in the closet.

While I'm Eating Swedish Fish

I somehow always end up doing blog posts at 2 or 3 in the morning. This time I'm doing it while eating Swedish Fish. There really is no other candy that tastes like them anywhere, is there? Go Sweden! Here's an adorable picture of husbandman as a small child. He was big into karate in this portion of our lives. I think he even had a brown belt (ooh! aah!) This sweet move was displayed for all at my seventh birthday party. Loooove that haircut! He's going to kill me when he sees this.

This week's Weird Wedding Wednesday highlights one particular portion of my job in which I am proud to say I have become quite skilled-- damage control, aka incident management. My mad skills cover all those things that happen at weddings that I don't want the bride to find out about.  If ever there is a crisis, I'm your girl. I can keep my head and even keep others around me from freaking out.

The day of this incident was a Thursday. It was the first in a string of incidents that would plague us for the rest of the weekend. Just as the wedding was starting to wind down, I caught a whiff of smoke from the direction of the dining room. I left my post to investigate, sniffing around, acting very much like a determined blood hound. The smell eventually led me outside to the gardens. The smoke was pretty thick in the air. I looked around and I couldn't see anything unusual, but something was definitely burning. I picked up a forgotten glass of water with the intention of returning it to the kitchen. The kitchen manager for the evening came outside. He smelled it too.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an orange flicker. The gazebo was on fire! Literally in flames! I ran over and attempted to quell the flames by throwing the half-drunk glass of water I held on the fire. Yeah. I'm good in a crisis.

He was smarter. He brought the hose.

I am now adding fire-fighter to my resume.
Britt

80's beauty

I found this photo of my mom today circa 1982:

Isn't she a fox?? She was a senior in high school here. I love her Farrah Fawcett hair!
Don't you think we should bring that back?

On to Weird Wedding Wednesday! I get asked all of the time if I've ever had anyone chicken out and leave someone at the altar. The answer is no... but I've been close.

This bride was nervous from the start. She was 26 years younger than the groom (now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger) and had only known him for a couple of months. She spent the majority of our time together in the bride's room before the ceremony pacing. We might have to replace the carpet.

I had to go downstairs and get the music prepped, so I left her with a fan blowing on her and some Kleenex stuffed in her armpits. We run a really classy establishment. When I came back upstairs, she had fainted. Dramatic much?

There was one failed escape attempt out the bathroom window followed by lots of talking, crying (makeup!) and hugging. I thought about just letting her go, but she really was crazy about the guy. She was just getting cold feet. I finally got that jittery wreck standing at the end of the aisle with a bouquet in hand. I do it all, people. I'm a wedding goddess. I'm now adding bridal therapist to my resume.

This particular bride and I still keep in touch, actually. She and her husband are now expecting their first baby and they couldn't be happier. Love knows no age limit.
Britt

My bump on the head made me do it

So due to a splitting headache from an extremely clumsy fall mentioned in my last post, I missed posting this week's Weird Wedding Wednesday yesterday. It's kind of ok though because this week's wedding didn't really happen.

I got a call from my manager early in the morning on this fateful day. "Don't worry about coming in this evening," she said. Oh? Why not? Apparently the groom was in love with someone else and had run off with this individual. Needless to say, the wedding was canceled.

Here's the kicker: The someone else actually turned out to be... the best man, his best friend.

Yeah. Awkward!

On a happier note, I am shooting a newborn session tomorrow! Sooo excited! Now I just have to do my best not to get baby hungry. Here's an image from my the last time I photographed a newborn which almost sent me over the edge:

Isn't she completely gorgeous? And her head smelled like heaven itself. My favorite image of the day, however, turned out to be one of her big sister:

She was looking down at her new little sister with the sweetest expression on her face. My heart melted. I have a feeling I'll be cleaning up a heart-shaped puddle tomorrow too. Wish me luck!
Britt

He's Got a Love Like "Ow!"

Today's Weird Wedding Wednesday is a little on the bloody side. Yes, you read that right. Blood. If any of you get sick at the sight of blood.... well you'll be fine because you're only reading about it.

One enchanted evening, a bride and groom were celebrating their wedding with a big party. They decided to have a bar to make their celebration even more fun for their guests. So the best man brought the groom a drink. And another drink. And another one. And another. By the time the cake cutting rolled around, he was pretty tipsy. I did my very best to show him and the bride the proper way to hold the cake knife and the exact place to cut for the perfect bite-size, feeding-each-other-worthy piece.

Now, I know what you're thinking. No, he didn't cut himself or her with the cake knife. Those things shouldn't even be real knives. They're not in the least bit sharp. They're the pansies of the knife world. But they are better-looking than most knives so they have that going for them.

The cake slice was cut without incident. Then the groom went to feed her a bite. I can only assume his intention was to playfully smear her face with the frosting, but being a little sloshed as he was, he misjudged his strength a little. The "playful smear" turned into a boxer's punch right in the face. He somehow managed to bloody her nose and knock her onto the floor in one quick movement. Oh-holy-guacamole!

I rushed her to the bride's room with my hand cupped under her chin to avoid getting any blood on her dress. That, I can assure you, would never come out. Being a wedding coordinator ain't no walk in the park, people! Luckily at this point my nursing training kicked in and I sat her down in front of the sink and pinched her nose to control the bleeding. Did you know you shouldn't put your head back to stop a nose bleed? The best thing to do is pinch it at the base and put your chin down so the blood can drain into the sink. True story.

I know you were all very worried, but she was fine. She took a pain pill for her back and lied down for a few minutes and then she was able to rejoin the party. The groom was very VERY sorry. I can imagine she will be enjoying groveling with presents, breakfast in bed and foot massages included for quite some time. ;)

So what did we learn from this, kids?

You figure it out. I'm gonna go relax by the pond:

Oh wait, I can't. It's zero frackin degrees outside. Pretty though huh?
Have a happy week free of bloody noses, mmk?
Britt

A Rat in the Pond

Today's Weird Wedding Wednesday is gross. It talks about death and rodents all in the same post. I won't blame you if you stop reading now. I wouldn't blame you if you never read my blog again. Although, if you made it through the Zombie Walk post, you're probably a pretty brave lil' soul.

On to the story. One fine day I was busy at work making a wedding magical for a beautiful couple who was madly in love.  So on this fine, magical day, I was meandering out by the fish pond checking on the state of the gardens when I saw it.

There was a dead rat floating in the pond next to the lily pads.

I may have gagged. I can't quite recall. I was definitely not pleased. So then I start having a debate with myself. I said, "Self, what should be done in this situation? Do I remove the deceased from the area now and risk making a scene during the wedding, or do I remove it in secret at the end and risk someone seeing it later?" What a conundrum. I decided to let it be for now.

A few minutes later...
Random guest: My son just told me there's a dead rat in the pond outside.
Me: *inward groan* Thank you for letting me know we'll take care of it.

A few minutes later...
A different random guest: Some of the kids are outside and they're saying there's a dead rat in the pond.
Me: We are aware of the situation. We'll take care of it. Thank you.

So much for not making a scene. I ran back into the kitchen to speak with the building manager.
Me: There's a dead rat in the pond outside. A couple people have mentioned it.
Manager: Just leave it there until the end of the event. We don't want to be trailing a dead rat around through the wedding.
Me: That's what I thought.

A total of seventeen more guests felt it was their civic duty to inform me about the rat problem. At one point, there were about thirty people gathered around the pond staring at it. I wanted to get on the microphone and be like, "Oh Mylanta, people! We are aware of the situation with the dead rodent. Can we please peel our eyeballs away from the corpse now and get back to the elegant celebration??"

In case you were wondering, I was the chosen one that got to dispose of the thing. And this time I did gag. For sure. Are you having anything yummy for dinner? :)

Since I've been told a post without a picture is morally repugnant, feast your eyes on the cuteness:

He likes to stick his face in the snow. Weirdo.

I should have gotten his autograph

It has come to my attention recently that American Idol has started up again, so I thought I would share a weird wedding story with you this Wednesday about a groom who... sang.

Now a lot of people sing at weddings. It's very common. I always think it's sweet when the groom sings to the bride. Lyrics can often be the most perfect words you could say to your sweetheart. So when this groom sat down at the piano during his wedding reception and announced he had a special song prepared for his new wife, the room was still with anticipation.

He opened his mouth and the first few notes came out. Those notes sounded a lot like what I imagine the child of Prince and Reba McEntire might sound like on a very gnarly roller coaster. The kind of roller coaster that makes you either pee your pants or throw up on the person behind you. I wanted to run and hide and pretend music was never invented. He finally finished and there was a collective sigh of relief (I swear there was!) amongst the attendees. Just when I started thinking, ok so that was spectacularly awful, but it was kind of cute that he was singing for her, the singing started again. Oh. My. Dang. The groom was singing another song! People looked around like they were trying to see if he was serious. Someone started giggling and a few people even gasped. 

He went on to sing two more songs after that. That's right my friends. FOUR SONGS. I thought my head was going to explode! Once he finished, everyone just stood there. A couple people clapped and the rest ran for the bar. He then announced that he would be handing out CDs for the next half an hour and signing autographs. At his wedding!! The people at the bar had the right idea. I thought about taking up drinking myself. 

Luckily I had Ingrid Michaelson on my phone in the back to restore my faith in humanity. 

Whew! That was a rough one to recall. Those four songs haunted my dreams for a while afterward. Mostly I've tried to block it out by drowning myself in my favorite musicals. Let's listen to some of this loveliness: 

Feel better? Me too.

Think Pink!

Today's Weird Wedding Wednesday chronicles the story of a bride-to-be who looooooved pink. It was her favorite color, and as far as her wedding was concerned, it was the only color. In the entire world.


The decor was all varying shades of pink. The flowers were pink. The food was pink. Have you ever tried eating pink salad? The bridesmaids dresses were pink. The bride's dress was also a very light shade of pink. The invitations were pink. The cake was pink. She even has the horse for their getaway carriage dyed pink for the occasion.


It was all quite excessive and its close resemblance to a bottle of Pepto Bismol made me want to hurl.


Several weeks before the wedding...
Bride: Is there any way we could paint the walls pink for my day?
Me: Pardon me?
Bride: The walls. I want them to match the rest of the decor.
Me: Of course you do. However, I don't see how that would be possible.
Bride: Daddy will pay any price. We will of course have the painters paint it back right afterward.
Me: Unfortunately, we do have an event the day before and the day after your wedding.
Bride: We can have them work all night.
Me: Yes, but I'm afraid the smell of paint would make the evening rather unbearable.
Me (in my mind): Have you been sniffing paint lately?


The beige-colored walls were a constant source of aggravation for this bride, prompting her to hire a broadway lighting designer to ensure the walls were washed in a blinding pink light throughout the ceremony and reception.


Some people really know what they want. Some people could definitely benefit from intensive therapy.
Britt

Days of Our Lives

Hey friends and fellow wedding enthusiasts! It's Weird Wedding Wednesday! This week's outlandish tale is brought to us by daytime television. This is the night I spent at a wedding which, as it turned out, was not actually a wedding at all, but the set of a soap opera drama. My mistake.

The bridal party enters. They are all intimidatingly beautiful people.
Bride: My maid-of-honor will be in charge this evening. That's who you should go to with any questions.
Me: That sounds just great. Which one is she?
Bride: *motioning over her shoulder* Patrick, would you come here please?
Me: ..... he *trailing off pathetically*
Bride: This is Patrick. My maid-of-honor.
I smile stupidly and shake his hand. Pretty sure Patrick was a model in another life. No, this life. In another life he was a Greek god. At this point I'm assuming (never assume, people!) that Patrick is the bride's brother because they are really close and look just like each other. Come to find out he and bride are just BFFs since middle school. Stuck like Glue I think is how he put it. So at this point wild things are running through my head like, "They are pretty adorable together. They share so much history! Why isn't she marrying him if they're best friends? Am I supposed to bring him a bouquet?" Turns out that extra bouquet was for the best man.


And by best man, I mean woman.

Groom: This is Chelsea, my best man.
Me: So nice to meet you Chelsea! Can I help you with your...
Me (in my mind): Oh my dang! Do you think she's going to be wearing a dress or a tux?
Me: ... clothes?
Chelsea: Sure. Thanks. My dress is in that garment bag over there.
Me: I'll just take that to the... bridesmaids room. *trailing off pathetically*
Chelsea: Yes, perfect. I'll go change with the ladies but then I'll head down to the groom's room. I'm friends with all the guys.

Never assume anything, people.

Now, I consider myself a reasonable person, even though I watch way too many romance movies. I'm thinking to myself at this point, "How is it these two very attractive BFF couples are not together? Maybe they tried and it didn't work out? Seems like a lot of time to spend together without anything ever happening..."

Then I met Patrick's boyfriend.

Oh.

Bride: This is my little brother, Paul. He's going to be the ringbearer.
Me: So Paul, are you excited for your big sister to get married?
Paul: I'm happy for her, but I'm gonna miss her. She and I have always been close.

The Mother-of-the-Bride pulls me aside later.
MOB: Paul is not the bride's brother. He is her son.
Me: ......................
MOB: She had him when she was in high school, and my husband and I adopted him and raised him as her brother.
Me: That was so awesome of you.
MOB: He doesn't know that though, so don't say anything.
Me: ......................

Random wedding guest #1: Who's that handsome man sitting next to the bride?
Random wedding guest #2: That's Patrick. He's her best friend.
Random wedding guest #1: Then why didn't she marry him? (that's what I said!)
Random wedding guest #2: He's gay.
Random wedding guest #1: But I thought they had a baby together.
Random wedding guest #2: Yes, they did. But that was back in high school.

Are you following all of this? I felt like my ears should be bleeding at this point. How can so much drama exist in one room? So I was right. They couldn't spend so much time together without anything happening behind the scenes. I've never felt more awkward and uncomfortable being right.

So how about the groom and the best man, you ask?
Later that evening...
Chelsea: You wanted to speak with me?
Bride: Yes, I just wanted to clear the air. I know you're really important to my new husband.
Chelsea: I hope we can be friends, too.
Bride: That's why I wanted to tell you that I'm not upset anymore about what happened between the two of you last night. I realize that  you were very sad and upset and that it was a one-time thing. That will never happen again.
Me (in my mind): Whaaaa? What happened last night???

For the record, I would like to state that I wasn't eavesdropping on this conversation. They just happened to have it right outside the office. I hope we have all learned a lesson this day. Never assume. Because you might be completely wrong and accidentally tell an 8-year-old boy that his sister is really his mom and her best friend, who apparently wasn't always gay, is his dad.

Yep. This is real life.

Weird Wedding Wednesday

People always seem totally fascinated when I mention that I work in the wedding industry. Although my job is not nearly as glamorous as it sounds, it is a gold mine for good stories. I decided it would be a fun idea to write some of them down-- keep a record of the insanity so to speak. Having been to way more than my fair share of weddings, I can definitely say they are a spectacular place for people watching.

Here is a conversation I had with a bride during a rehearsal:
Me: So do you have a ring bearer that will be involved in the ceremony?
Bride: Yes. His name is Evan.
Me: Great! How old is Evan?
Bride: Two
Me: Ok, well since he's so young, I would probably suggest that the best man holds the rings and he just carries an empty pillow.
Bride: Well we figured out a way to strap them to his back. He's really well trained so he should be fine. Hopefully he doesn't get scared and pee on the carpet.
Me: Uh.... Um.... Gee....
Bride: We'll let him out of his cage right before the ceremony starts.
Me: ................................
Bride: One of the flower girls agreed to walk him down the aisle.
Me: Oh sure. That will probably help him behave.
Bride: We'll give her a treat to carry if she needs to coax him.
Me: We have some suckers for kids, but they might be sticky and get on his clothes.
Bride: What? Oh, no! Evan is my Dalmatian.

Later that evening...
Bride: Would you mind getting Evan something to eat?
Me: Not at all. What do you recommend?
Bride: Give him some of the prime rib. He can eat the groom's piece.
Me: Are you sure?
Bride: Yes, of course. And he only eats from a martini glass. I never feed him anything unless it's in a martini glass.
Me: We'll see what we can do for you.

I need to also add that Evan was part of the receiving line for the duration of the event. He sat next to the bride's mother and guests were expected to greet him warmly and make polite conversation.

Good boy, Evan.

This Week

I had one crazy wedding last night! I ended up having to call Brade to come be my back up. Two cars were broken into so we had to call the police. One of them was the bride's who was also sick the whole night. Among the other things ailing us were clogged and overflowing toliets, vomit all over the dance floor, prohibited tailgaiting parties with disgruntled guests when we broke them up, contaminated punch fountains, and very tired, aching feet. Dang... I love my job.

On a happier note, this weekend we are having a "Crepes and Conference" party in lieu of our traditional game night. I have been doing some searching for a really good crepe filling recipe and I think I found one. It should be a fun time!

I am having trouble getting the pictures from the Murder Mystery Dinner to post. We all had a great time and there were lots of awesome costumes! For those of you who have Facebook, I have posted them there. For all others, here is the public link: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=121557&id=554137330&l=5a8d0f05ef

One final thing to add: I have become inspired after seeing the movie "Julie and Julia." If you haven't seen it, DO. It's so good! So I am trying lots of new recipes and expanding my culinary skills thanks to Amy Adams. My husband is very happy with this idea. :) Tonight I am going to make Toffee Apple Dip. Hopefully I will have some left over for Sunday! Have a good weekend!
Britt

Britt's Writing Aspirations

The wedding industry is a very interesting line of work to be involved in. You meet all kinds of people from all walks of life and watch them try to sift through all of these elements to ultimately create this event for one of the most important days of their lives. After some prodding from my mother-in-law, I've decided that I'm going to write a book (someday) about some of the more colorful people, happenings, etc. that I have met or witnessed during my time with weddings. I'm not sure what it's going to be like yet. We will see if it turns into anything at all. But I am, after all, in school to be a writer. So we'll see what evolves from this project. For now I'm just going to record these events. Let me know if you have any ideas. Love you all!
Britt