This is a long post and much more serious than the stuff I usually write. This is my 100th post, and I'm going for totally honesty. So here's some more...
I've been wanting to do this for a while now, ever since I saw Kelsey's post on her blog. It's been in the back of my mind but I even as I write this I still don't know if I'm brave enough to actually post it. I have struggled with my weight and body image since before I can remember. It's always been that one thing that was never right in my life. Being overweight is in my genes and in my lifestyle... and in my heart. I've never been able to share my friends' clothes or go swimming suit shopping without wanting to cry. I've never been at all comfortable in front of the camera, which is one of the reasons I'm so comfortable behind it. I can't even imagine myself being thin because I've never known myself as anything but "the fat girl." Sometimes I even feel like I don't really deserve a different body.
I am so incredibly lucky to have found a husband who loves every last bit of me-- even the lumpy bits. He has never once looked at me differently because I am overweight. He says I have curves in all the right places. I don't even think he sees the extra pounds. He treats me like I'm beautiful. The hard part is that he can tell me that hundreds of times, but I don't feel it because there needs to be a change within me. I want to feel beautiful for him. And for me.
I'm participating in the Beautiful Belly Challenge from Melissa at Perfect Peace. To participate in this challenge, I have to take a picture of my belly and post it. Oh. My. Dang. My belly has not seen the light of day since the 80's. I'm so self-conscious about my body, especially my tummy. And now I have to post it for the world to see. Talk about vulnerable. But I'm never going to succeed in changing my life until I accept who I am and accept the body I was given with all of its flaws. I need to feel better about myself and know that I deserve to feel beautiful.
So it's time for me to make a change. This isn't going to be a diet. They don't work for me. I've tried implementing an exercise regimen and it makes me exhausted, sick and miserable and I quit. This is going to have to be a total lifestyle change. I need to change my life for me. I am scared to do it because I know that it's going to be really hard and I'm going to have to be a different person than I have ever been before. I'm taking a leap of faith. I want to be a better person. So here's my beautiful belly in all its glory. I still can't believe I'm doing this. I'm having a hard time telling myself that it's beautiful. But I'm working on that.
This is the hardest post I have ever written because having a good body image is the biggest challenge of my life. I hope that this post can be helpful to at least one person out there. Writing about it was helpful for me.
This is day one of my personal Beautiful Belly Challenge. I'm starting to train to run a marathon in a year with the female members of my family. It's something I've secretly always wanted to do. Honestly, I can barely run around the block without wanting to die. I have no idea how I'm going to succeed in running that enormous distance. I'm literally going to be taking it one step at a time. It is going to be maybe the biggest accomplishment of my life if I can. I'm really grateful to have the support and encouragement of the ladies I love. They make me think that maybe, just maybe, I can do it.
I'm taking a leap of faith.
