Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dear Friend,

Hello friends! We are friends, right? I mean, you know all kinds of things about my life due to my uncontrolled habit of oversharing. I haven't yet unlocked the mystery of that moment when you can call a mere acquaintance a friend. And by acquaintance, I mean cyber-entity who left a nice comment on my post that one time. I do want you to know that I do consider you a friend, and I want to thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I have written in this space for quite some time now, but I didn't really start getting into the blogging world and writing regularly until the beginning of this year. It was part of my goals for the new year to write a few times a week. Right now my life is a little crazy, but I always have my husband, my dog and my blog. For some silly reason, that brings me comfort.

This is a long post and much more serious than the stuff I usually write. This is my 100th post, and I'm going for totally honesty. So here's some more...

I've been wanting to do this for a while now, ever since I saw Kelsey's post on her blog. It's been in the back of my mind but I even as I write this I still don't know if I'm brave enough to actually post it. I have struggled with my weight and body image since before I can remember. It's always been that one thing that was never right in my life. Being overweight is in my genes and in my lifestyle... and in my heart. I've never been able to share my friends' clothes or go swimming suit shopping without wanting to cry. I've never been at all comfortable in front of the camera, which is one of the reasons I'm so comfortable behind it. I can't even imagine myself being thin because I've never known myself as anything but "the fat girl." Sometimes I even feel like I don't really deserve a different body.

I am so incredibly lucky to have found a husband who loves every last bit of me-- even the lumpy bits. He has never once looked at me differently because I am overweight. He says I have curves in all the right places. I don't even think he sees the extra pounds. He treats me like I'm beautiful. The hard part is that he can tell me that hundreds of times, but I don't feel it because there needs to be a change within me. I want to feel beautiful for him. And for me.

I'm participating in the Beautiful Belly Challenge from Melissa at Perfect Peace. To participate in this challenge, I have to take a picture of my belly and post it. Oh. My. Dang. My belly has not seen the light of day since the 80's. I'm so self-conscious about my body, especially my tummy. And now I have to post it for the world to see. Talk about vulnerable. But I'm never going to succeed in changing my life until I accept who I am and accept the body I was given with all of its flaws. I need to feel better about myself and know that I deserve to feel beautiful.

So it's time for me to make a change. This isn't going to be a diet. They don't work for me. I've tried implementing an exercise regimen and it makes me exhausted, sick and miserable and I quit. This is going to have to be a total lifestyle change. I need to change my life for me. I am scared to do it because I know that it's going to be really hard and I'm going to have to be a different person than I have ever been before. I'm taking a leap of faith. I want to be a better person. So here's my beautiful belly in all its glory. I still can't believe I'm doing this. I'm having a hard time telling myself that it's beautiful. But I'm working on that.

This is the hardest post I have ever written because having a good body image is the biggest challenge of my life. I hope that this post can be helpful to at least one person out there. Writing about it was helpful for me.

This is day one of my personal Beautiful Belly Challenge. I'm starting to train to run a marathon in a year with the female members of my family. It's something I've secretly always wanted to do. Honestly, I can barely run around the block without wanting to die. I have no idea how I'm going to succeed in running that enormous distance. I'm literally going to be taking it one step at a time. It is going to be maybe the biggest accomplishment of my life if I can. I'm really grateful to have the support and encouragement of the ladies I love. They make me think that maybe, just maybe, I can do it.

I'm taking a leap of faith.

5 comments:

Kelsey said...

you go girl! so proud of you!! It's going to be hard, I find myself struggling each and every day. I'm here for ya if you need some companionship! xo, Kels

Anna said...

You can do it! Even though I'm not doing the challenge, body image/weight is something I've struggled with my whole life, and like you, I have a wonderful man who compliments me all the time and adores my curves. But his words can't fix my self-conscious tendencies. Can't wait to hear about your progress.

Jennie said...

Hi!

My name is Jennie, and I don't think I've commented yet, but I found your blog a awhile ago and I L-O-V-E LOVE it. You are beautiful, you are funny, and I just really like blog stalking you!! Haha. I really, really enjoyed this post.

I'm not going to post my bare belly on my blog because the guy I'm interested in's older brother reads my blog on the regular, haha. But this was inspiring for me and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this side of you too. But I like the funny side just as much. Prepare to be blog stalked is all I have to say. I can't wait to see your progress! :)

Mel said...

aw, girl, I love you and this post! Thank you for being so open and honest. You are absolutely GORGEOUS! (I seriously come to your blog and think it all the time.) I'm so glad you have a man who loves you for you, I hope one day I'm just as lucky! Until then, it's nice to know that so many women go through the same things I do and that we're all here to support each other! Thanks for participating in the beautiful belly challenge <3

Michelle Allen said...

You are beautiful and brave:)