Hey friends and fellow wedding enthusiasts! It's Weird Wedding Wednesday! This week's outlandish tale is brought to us by daytime television. This is the night I spent at a wedding which, as it turned out, was not actually a wedding at all, but the set of a soap opera drama. My mistake.
The bridal party enters. They are all intimidatingly beautiful people.
Bride: My maid-of-honor will be in charge this evening. That's who you should go to with any questions.
Me: That sounds just great. Which one is she?
Bride: *motioning over her shoulder* Patrick, would you come here please?
Me: ..... he *trailing off pathetically*
Bride: This is Patrick. My maid-of-honor.
I smile stupidly and shake his hand. Pretty sure Patrick was a model in another life. No, this life. In another life he was a Greek god. At this point I'm assuming (never assume, people!) that Patrick is the bride's brother because they are really close and look just like each other. Come to find out he and bride are just BFFs since middle school. Stuck like Glue I think is how he put it. So at this point wild things are running through my head like, "They are pretty adorable together. They share so much history! Why isn't she marrying him if they're best friends? Am I supposed to bring him a bouquet?" Turns out that extra bouquet was for the best man.
And by best man, I mean woman.
Groom: This is Chelsea, my best man.
Me: So nice to meet you Chelsea! Can I help you with your...
Me (in my mind): Oh my dang! Do you think she's going to be wearing a dress or a tux?
Me: ... clothes?
Chelsea: Sure. Thanks. My dress is in that garment bag over there.
Me: I'll just take that to the... bridesmaids room. *trailing off pathetically*
Chelsea: Yes, perfect. I'll go change with the ladies but then I'll head down to the groom's room. I'm friends with all the guys.
Never assume anything, people.
Now, I consider myself a reasonable person, even though I watch way too many romance movies. I'm thinking to myself at this point, "How is it these two very attractive BFF couples are not together? Maybe they tried and it didn't work out? Seems like a lot of time to spend together without anything ever happening..."
Then I met Patrick's boyfriend.
Bride: This is my little brother, Paul. He's going to be the ringbearer.
Me: So Paul, are you excited for your big sister to get married?
Paul: I'm happy for her, but I'm gonna miss her. She and I have always been close.
The Mother-of-the-Bride pulls me aside later.
MOB: Paul is not the bride's brother. He is her son.
MOB: She had him when she was in high school, and my husband and I adopted him and raised him as her brother.
Me: That was so awesome of you.
MOB: He doesn't know that though, so don't say anything.
Random wedding guest #1: Who's that handsome man sitting next to the bride?
Random wedding guest #2: That's Patrick. He's her best friend.
Random wedding guest #1: Then why didn't she marry him? (that's what I said!)
Random wedding guest #2: He's gay.
Random wedding guest #1: But I thought they had a baby together.
Random wedding guest #2: Yes, they did. But that was back in high school.
Are you following all of this? I felt like my ears should be bleeding at this point. How can so much drama exist in one room? So I was right. They couldn't spend so much time together without anything happening behind the scenes. I've never felt more awkward and uncomfortable being right.
So how about the groom and the best man, you ask?
Later that evening...
Chelsea: You wanted to speak with me?
Bride: Yes, I just wanted to clear the air. I know you're really important to my new husband.
Chelsea: I hope we can be friends, too.
Bride: That's why I wanted to tell you that I'm not upset anymore about what happened between the two of you last night. I realize that you were very sad and upset and that it was a one-time thing. That will never happen again.
Me (in my mind): Whaaaa? What happened last night???
For the record, I would like to state that I wasn't eavesdropping on this conversation. They just happened to have it right outside the office. I hope we have all learned a lesson this day. Never assume. Because you might be completely wrong and accidentally tell an 8-year-old boy that his sister is really his mom and her best friend, who apparently wasn't always gay, is his dad.
Yep. This is real life.